On the new Prince of Persia game

Prince of Persia - Yay!
I've been waiting for years to
play the new sequel.

But wait - what's this crap?!?
Everything looks cartoony.
And bad voice acting.

Where are the bad guys?
The whole game is deserted.
Just one boss per world.

One or two puzzles
here and there, but not like in
the previous games.

Collecting "light seeds"
feels like Mario Galaxy.
Star bits, anyone?

There's still wall running,
but crawling on the ceiling?!?
That might be a stretch.

The male lead is not
even a prince! The writers
missed the game's title.

I could go on and on like this, but I won't. Basically, the new Prince of Persia game is a complete departure from the franchise. The story line is garbage, all the best gameplay elements (fighting, puzzle solving) have been removed, and the new art style makes it look like a Japanese RPG or superhero game. Very disappointed. :(

New Google Reader:
If I click the bottom of
Long item? Don't Move!


I click and highlight while I read online. The new Google Reader formatting has a "quirk" where if an article is longer than a page, and I click on it, it'll jump to the top of the damn article. So I scroll to where I was reading, click to mentally mark my spot (I guess? I don't really know why I do this) and it jumps to the top again!

Murder!

On picking up where we left off...

Sorry for the wait.
My PC has been broken
for almost two weeks.

The drivers are fucked.
Windows Update is a joke.
Just want to shoot it.

At this point I'd say
Macs are looking pretty good.
At least in my view.

No driver problems.
No viruses to speak of.
And oh so pretty.

On 4-verse soap-boxes

Some definition
of "stuff works" - they'll never be
hardcore dev boxes!

Nevermind little
niggling things like software:
complete lack thereof.

And one button mice?
Not "revolutionary
UI," just a pain.

I can rant all day -
at least dual boot XP
for some appeasement.

Oh no you didn't!

Macs are for people
who want their stuff to just work
and look good as well.

PCs are fine if
you like pulling your hair out
each time you use it.

On fanning the flames

I'll be the first to
admit: Toshibas suck balls.
Need something better.

But, really? A mac?
Get a real box! Macs are for
pansy-ass hipsters.

On repetitive BSODs

Wow. Seven blue screens.
That has to be a record
for a single day.

Toshiba drivers
are complete pieces of crap.
Time to get a Mac.

On Misinformation

Why do you call me?
I'm not part of app support -
never have nor will.

How did you even
get a hold of my number?
Lisa is baffled ;_;

Somehow my freaking cell phone number has ended up in the support DB for the application I develop for. No idea how. The result is that I keep getting calls from hotel managers asking me where to find things and wanting to know why they can't log in. Sooo very confused.

On unobliging coffee shops

You're a coffee shop -
how can you not take credit
under 5 dollars?

Bumping my total
inevitably leads to
ham and swiss croissants.

It just seems silly not to take cards when 90% of your clientele will be spending between $2 and $4. Whenever I'm cashless I end up bumping my total over 5 bucks with a super tasty cheesy croissant - which is great, don't get me wrong, but I don't need that much fat in the morning (nor to be spending $5.88 every day at breakfast). Sigh!

Happiness on Snowy Fridays

In kitchen at work
Pile of chocolate chip cookies
Post-It note: "Eat This"

An ode to old men

"Have you lost some weight?"
Is maaaaybe appropriate
If I knew your name.

Or if you knew mine, for that matter.

I didn't want to save that anyway...

Oh, Test Director!
I mean Quality Center...
new name, but no change.

Copious lockups,
random eating of my text -
makes me want to scream.

Is it ironic that a defect-tracking software has so many defects of its own?

Helping people help themselves

My new strategy
for people who never learn:
block them on IM.

Forces them to try
thinking for themselves for once,
and gives me some peace.

A follow-up to yesterday's post about people who can't be bothered to read the documentation before pestering me. I've decided to start blocking them on IM in hopes of forcing them to go learn for themselves. Teach a man to fish, and all that. ;)

RTFM!

Am I the only
person who knows how to read
documentation?!?

Seriously guys,
at least make an effort to
learn the damn platform.

I'm all for helping my coworkers, but it's seriously starting to feel like I'm their personal Cliff's Notes. I shouldn't have to waste my time answering questions that you should know as part of your @#!%*$ job!

On unexpectedly pertinent endings

Nose full of snuffles...
Lindy exchange made me sick.
Curse germy dancers!

Perhaps the worst though:
throat feels inhabited by
Velociraptors.

On proper annotation forms

>Quoth BigPeteB, Re: On Commuting Via Automobile
>You seem to have more footnotes than you have references.

Too many footnotes?
You can't over-annotate.
Inconceivable!

On commuting via automobile: A three haiku sequence

Crisp fall wind, brimming
with color. Windows rolled down,
I shift, delighted.

Shit! Downshift and brake:
corners cause soccer moms to
hyperventilate.

Fucking SUV's
won't roll from slight breeze. Find your
accelerator.

I drive up Peachtree-Dunwoody road every day to work now. It's a stunning drive past beautiful trees - red, yellow, and brown - expensive homes, and lots of McCain-Palin signs. There are very few stop lights and overall, it's as pleasant of a drive as you can get in this traffic jammed town. Inevitably, however, some asshole in an SUV [3] decides that 35MPH on a slightly hilly and curvy ATL road is TOO DAMN SCARY AH and drives with their ass at 10 under the whole 4 mile drive.

Protip for slushbox drivers: you can, in fact, take your foot of the throttle and not have to ride your brakes the whole way down a hill. If you're a real pro, look for the D3, 2 or L on your shift column.

[0] Though not so much now.
[1] I should have cataloged their number by date as the election season wore on. It would be an amusing trend, to be sure. [2]
[2] I also swear I've noticed more Obama bumper stickers post-election than pre-. I suppose this is "winner of the Super Bowl" syndrome with regard to jerseys.
[3] Or Old(fart)smobile.

On information redundancy

Google Reader's great -
everyone can share the cool
stories and comics.

That said, a small gripe:
must all of my friends daily
share XKCD?

Don't get me wrong - I love me some XKCD, but lately I've been getting EVERY comic across 5 or 6 different shares. Maybe the real problem is that google reader needs to have better management of read/unread items between shares...

On mandatory business ethics training

Ethics training - bah!
Just wake me when it's over.
Complete waste of time.

Can I get back to
my actual job now please?
I have work to do.

Oh frenetic life:
So chocked with travail and chore
That it may well burst.

The days grow shorter
But my task list still expands.
When can I have sleep?

On SURPRISE! responsibilities

I've observed: Styx and
Stones are both well known but merged
are quite a nightmare.

Kudos to Slinky, who summed up my current work excitement quite nicely. Styx and Stones being our code branches, and the nightmare being that I suddenly found myself with ownership of the merge process. Wheee!

On ridiculous footwear

Slow walkin' women:
don't wanna stare at your ass,
get out my damn way!

The problem? Your shoes!
Heels that don't hinder your gait?
Unreasonable!

On conversion processes

Windows Explorer:
don't crash while copying files.
Eat a bag of hell!

You wouldn't believe what a pain it has been to get my old MP3s moved to my new MP3 player. Windows explorer crashing out the folders every few hours is not helping the process -_-

Over creamed, under coffee'd

Today's entry in
continuing coffee woes:
rebellious creamer.

My lack of eating utensils, let me show you it

Spaghetti for lunch!
FAIL: no forks anywhere in
the whole damn office.

OF ALL THE UNHOLY DISCOURTESIES WHILE I WAS TRYING TO PEE AND THEN WASH MY HANDS

BITCH, IF YOU EVER
HAIR-SPRAY ME IN THE BATHROOM
AGAIN, I'LL KILL YOU

On coffee disappointment

Hazelnut coffee
is not the flavor I crave.
So much less tasty.

Why not Cinnabon?
Or delicious Creme Brulee?
Brew faster, dammit!

On conversations with newly-pregnant women

Pregnant women can't
Talk about anything else.
They have one track minds.

I don't want to know
about pissing on a stick
and it turning blue.

If she mentions her
ovaries again, I swear
I will go sterile.

On being undead before caffeine

Started the coffee,
then returned to empty pot ;_;
Technology fail!

Next time remember:
No shortcuts! Worth the effort:
just use the french press.

My morning caffeine dose should not be delayed by crappy coffee makers!

On accidentally deleted files

One stupid mistake
and now all my code is lost.
Should have backed it up.

On the election

Obama wins it!
History was made tonight.
Please don't let us down.

Barack Obama becomes the 44^th president of the United States and our first black president. Here's hoping that he keeps his campaign promises and brings about real change.

On development environments

Learn to use the tools
at your disposal. That's why
we don't use Notepad.

Visual Studio provides more than pretty color coding. Learn to use it!

On Avis Rental Cars

The PT Cruiser:
So fun to drive! Makes me tall!
Good rental surprise!

But… the turn signals…
Impossible to toggle.
Lisa fat-fingers.

Turning radius:
Not so good – 3 tries to park.
A bit of a whale.

And did I mention
They fall apart? Warranty:
It’s insubstantial.

On Visual Studio Lag

Remote Desktop takes
9 seconds to change tabs in
my damn IDE.

I literally can't change to a different file view without a multi-second wait. I'm just about livid with frustration at the lag.

What's a girl gotta
do, just to get some help here?
Time to suck dick now.

Seriously - I don't know what the senior folks on this project do all day. I'm completely blocked until I can talk to one of them... one's been stuck in a meeting for 3 hours, and the other 2 are entirely MIA. It's goddamn infuriating.

On Pandora, the Music Player

Pandora! Clever,

Mostly, but I'll never like

Blink 182.

So stop trying to feed it to my ears.

Construction outside
my office window makes my
concentration die!

Ok, so the sound of jackhammering will inevitably be for the greater good for the most part, but any chance at my being productive today has gone down the toilet.

On Automatic Car Locks

Rental car locks the
doors when I start the engine.
Yay safety features!

But... could it maybe
UNlock when the car turns off?
Stuck, confused lisas ;_;

My car locks when started and unlocks when stopped. In this way, I get safe, locked doors while driving around, and when I stop the car, I don't end up yanking on the handle going "Gah, wtf?? Let me out!!" Maybe my rental behaves like it does because Memphis (alias: Sir Stabsalot) parking lots are extra dangerous? Probably it's just to confuse me.

On Building New Servers

Provisioning does
not mean two months to apt-get
install ssh.

Seriously. Two months waiting on a freaking Debian server with ssh. This is not hard, guys. >_<

On Coding Style

camelCasing or
Hungarian Notation -
many style options.

Merits and bitches
abound regarding each type:
endless pedantry.

The bottom line, though:
Lisas don't care, but for the
Love-- be consistent!

There were 4 methods in the class. One took a variable called eventid, one with a variable called EventId, one with a variable called eventID, and one with a variable called str_EventID.

On ineptitude

*headdesk* Really, is
It THAT hard to comprehend
“add logging statements”?

I swear to god, it should not require a 30 minute conversation in response to the statement “Take this list of methods and add logging statements to them.” Have some freaking autonomy, dude ><

On Authentication

Authentication
by ssh key is not
"bypassing," wanker.

The most boring training I've had the displeasure to sit through

Given the choice 'twixt
Sex and SAS, the instructor
Would choose SAS, I think.

I wrote on the evaulation that he was clearly very knowlegable...but I kinda want those 2 days back.

On Development Environments

Locking up for 10
minutes after completing
a build? So not cool.

Developing on a Virtual PC sucks. It's slow. Especially when Visual Studio locks up after every time I do a build, and completely crashes about 1 in 10 times I build my solution. Don't even get me started on how long it take to do a check-in -_-

Not so you can throw lightswitch raves!

Trance songs: so much love!
But must you have such lengthy
intros and out-tros?

On bowing to the bureaucracy

"Comply verbatim"
"A questioning attitude"
Which one will it be?

Faulty procedures
can't control all those gallons
of nuclear waste.

"Shut up, just do it,"
they say. We say--at least it's
on the other coast.

On my pervasive good luck

Green flipchart marker
Exploded all over me
Hulk hands; do not want!

On fruits that shouldn't have seeds in them

A sweet bite of grape,
rudely interrupted—CRUNCH!
Seeds make Lisas cry ;_;

On Database Normalization

They say it is good
the normalized database,
but my eyes bleed JOINs.

On DNS

named has been fooled.
Randomized source ports are key;
DJB was right.

Python sends too slow;
C raw sockets should work--Drat:
Metasploit beat me.

On CRC

Database coders,
note: no schema should have fields
named CRC.

Seriously, guys? 1985 called, they want their checksum back. Putting a checksum of a field in the same table and then indexing said checksum...I lack words for how "you're doing it wrong" this is.

On copyrights

Glorious hours
of words and tiles - gone for good.
Suck it, Hasboro.

I loaded up my scrabulous on facebook this morning to discover that Hasboro has finally managed to shut them down. Fuckers. I'm sooo not interested in trying out the Hasboro-built equivalent... and I'm super upset about losing all my old game records :( Rawr.

On DC Rudeness

Wish I were a bitch –
I would have kicked that hussy
Who shoved on the train.

Or perhaps snidely
remark, “thanks, buddy!” when jerks
fail to hold the door.

My two biggest metro annoyances: stupid little bints who nearly knock you over as they push to get on the train in front of you, and people who can’t be bothered to hold the door for people behind them when leaving the station. Probably a little common courtesy would kill them.

Seriously, guys?
Leaving ALL the coffee pots
Empty incites rage.

People in the DC office need to learn some freaking kitchen matters, yo.

On Crashing Browsers

It’s not in the least
necessary to crash out
when closing, g-chat.

Every time I use g-chat through my gmail window in firefox and pop someone’s conversation out, firefox crashes when I try to close the gchat window. How annoying. Of course, if Pidgin would just quit fucking around and actually connect to Gchat here, I wouldn’t be having to use the stupid web interface, ANYway ><

On Passive-Aggressive Communication

"We might want to try..."
You mean, "You try, then tell me."
Ditch that awkward shit!

This has been the e-mail conversation I've been having over the last two days.

Project manager: I think I found a bug.
Developer: We might want to document that.
Support: You mean, "I think support should document that," right?
Developer: Yeah, thanks.
Project manager: We might want to test it against another scenario, too.
Support: You mean, "I think support should test it against another scenario," right?
Project manager: You got it.

On the slowness of banks

Credit charge, appear!
I've waited patiently for
many hours now!

After yesterday's gas fiasco, I've been checking my account constantly to see if we got ripped off by the gas station... but the damn charge STILL hasn't come through. Rawr!

On a happier note - this is the 100th post for this blog, which is impressive given it's age. Keep up the good peeving, people!

Chevronimo!

Automatic means
Doing without being told
"Stop pumping when full"


Fucking gas pump, spewing gasoline all over the car and ground while I get coffee. It was way too early in the morning for that bullshit!

Plus, I could have used those 4 or 5 spare gallons next week.

Press the button!

A feeble attempt
To pry elevator doors.
Press "DOOR OPEN," dunce!

Whenever I'm the first one in the elevator, I press and hold the "DOOR OPEN" button. That way, when someone inevitably turns the corner and quickens their pace upon sight of an open elevator--the universal indicator of their desire to board said elevator--I don't have to risk personal injury from thrusting a free limb into the closing jaws. Then, once everyone has safely boarded or there's no more room, I press "DOOR CLOSE."

I think some people just press the "CLOSE" button whenever they see anyone else coming, just out of spite.

Brainrot

Your Integrity
As a newsman is in doubt.
Always with the puns!

Seriously, I'm beginning to think that copy-editors, headline writers, and newsmen in general have a social disease that compels them to think that godawful news puns are clever, witty, or interesting. I wouldn't mind so much from, like, Fox News or something, but when otherwise respectable reporters sign off on a story about, say, peanut butter with "...and that's something that really sticks to the roof of Mr. Johnson's mouth" it makes me want to scream. They are completely contrived, bloody horrible, and an assault on the listening public.

And the worst thing is that it's like they can't help themselves! If someone is doing a story on basketball, there's GOING to be a pun about three pointers or double dribbling or some shit thrown in there. Every. Fucking. Time. Do they think I won't listen if they aren't "clever"? Do they honestly think their Laffy-Taffy-esque jokes are amusing to anybody? My theory is that they think we, the public, are retarded. I don't blame them... I've felt that way about every customer group I've ever had. Still, you'd think they'd stop if only to save themselves the utter, crushing, embarrasment.

"Through the prairie-less fight"

You should know the words
If you are asked to sing the
National Anthem

...especially if it's for a company-wide awards ceremony.

My loathing for you, let me show you it

Lady, we asked you
to move one seat over, not
give us your first-born.

At least your date is
nice enough to move. Maybe
you can learn from him.

On bathroom stalls

If I'm in stall 1,
Why'd you choose 2, and not 3?
Urinal rules, bitch!

Seriously. If you have the option of leaving a gap instead of not leaving a gap, leave a fucking gap. I don't want you to poop 36 inches from me unless it's absolutely necessary. It's not rocket science and guys figured it out a long time ago.

I feel like all of my haikus are related to public restroom etiquette. But c'mon: ladies, please.

On rude baristas

"A tall mocha, please!"
"Uh, The sizes we have are:
smaaaall, medium, laaaarge."

From Caribou Coffee last night... I don't think the transcribed text of this conversation really does justice to the absolute smug rudeness with which it was delivered. The woman was seriously nasty about what basically equates to a slip of habit. What I should have said was "Well, if you're going to be rude about it, I'll just go somewhere that doesn't mind how I order my coffee! *grin*" instead I was so baffled at her nasty tone that I just kind of blinked and handed her my money.

Sigh.

On web sites

Your web site was great!
Find any song from a set
In two seconds flat.

Now, a redesign:
shitty format, no searching.
I cry for the lack.

Stupid Armin Van Buuren. He redid his site in the last couple of weeks, and now instead of being able to search for any keyword, track name, or artist and be immediately presented with all of the sets that match (out of his 350-odd A State of Trance episodes) you can only view the track list for the last 4 sets. WTF?

On Grammatical Structures

Two words: "Also," "Too."
Sometimes interchangeable,
other times - less so.

Examples of when it's ok to swap these words:
-"She was annoyed, too" == "She was annoyed, also"
-"We, too, dislike awkward sentences" == "We, also, dislike awkward sentences" (not to be confused with "We also dislike awkward sentences," where the also implies other things are disliked in addition to the sentences, rather than implying that multiple groups of people dislike the awkward sentences)

Examples of when it's weird to do the switcheroo:
-"And also, remember that it pisses me off" != "And too, remember that it pisses me off" ...I hear people say this or see it typed all the time. It just doesn't work! Rawr!
-"We also dislike kittens and puppies and candy canes" != "We too dislike kittens and puppies and candy canes." Obviously I don't see the one as often, but it clarifies case two from the previous section.

Right. Shutting up.

On Trance Remixes

Trance artists, take note:
speeding a song up does not
count as a remix.

Pfft. I was so excited when my weekly Trance Around the World radio show said that there would be an awesome new remix of Karen Overton's Your Loving Arms. Whatever, dudes.

On purchasing power

Corporate phone plan -
PLEASE can I buy a new phone?
Why do you thwart me?

I suffered a phone casualty last week while kayaking when my dry-case leaked. This weekend I tried to go buy a replacement... only to discover that because I'm on my corporate phone plan, I'm no longer a signature authority on my account. This means that I'm not allowed to just buy a new phone - I have to go through the company procurement process! Now I get to wait a whole 'nother week to get my replacement phone! Joy!

Trillian Thrillian

Dear correspondents
It's not that I don't love you
I just can't see you


(trillian often decides to not tell me when people write me instant messages. No window pops up, so I don't know they tried. They, in turn, are hurt by my cruel spurning. Their hurt turns to cold, cold rage and they plot against me in the quiet and in the dark.)

What a drag...

I can't highlight text,
I try. It rearranges my code.
Fucking clicker broke.

The switch in my left mouse button is dying, I can't drag or highlight. If I try? It intermittently unclicks and clicks again, leading to intense frustration. I found an old school Dell balled mouse to replace mine with. I'm not convinced it's a step up.

On Follow-ups

Word, you baffle me!
"Device" is not mis-spell-ed,
nor "Receptacle."

Wait, what's that you say?
You're spell-checking in French now?
Fier Ze Miss-iles!

...why would Word's spell checker randomly be checking in French? Your guess is as good as mine...

On Undesirable Work Tasks

Documentation
I know it needs revision...
but it's so damn long ;_;

Let me tell you how much I don't want to spend my morning reviewing this 100 page user guide. Repugnant isn't a strong enough word.

Disorientation

Mild panic sets in,
How long's he been in this trance?
Wikipedia


Man, you ever snap out of it... unsure where you are, what you were doing, or how long you've been sitting there reading an article on wikipedia? Casually look around to see if anyone is staring at you... try to think back to see if anyone said anything to you....

Bummer!

No more Cock Gouda?
No more Wang Chedder? No More
Penis Roquefort????

On Bananas

Potassium source
Lengthy slender yellow fruit
Eating you looks queer

MMMM bananas are good, a great source of potassioum and fiber. The perfect breakfast in so many ways. However, does anyone else feel a little queer when shoving such a phallic object into there mouth and enjoying it? Maybe it's just me.

On coding screw-ups

Hear Ye, Dumbass Dev:
Regular Expressions should
not be abused! Bad!!

Way to go, buddy, you totally screwed over the mobile application’s ability to scan Item Barcodes. That was clever. In the future please do not use completely broken regular expressions; I don’t care if Java can sort them out and make sense of them - .Net can’t. Pedantry is your friend in this particular situation.

On Purveyances Between Floors

Variable speed
escalators: not funny.
Surprise! Fall over!

Anyone else getting crazier every day?

My Brains Scatterd
Slowly mind my losing I'm
What the hell was that!

I'm Just losing my mind in general. Nuff Said!

On written ineptitude

How can you write so
badly? I don’t understand.
Worst. Grammar. Evar.

I don't understand how some people can be so inept when it comes to written language. I've been revising these guides for this guy for months, hand holding constantly... and he still doesn't get the concept of "don't use technical terms. Use informal second person constructs. These are guides for low level users - you need to tell them 'and next you do this. Now you do this' if they're going to get it." I give up. I'm just going to write the final draft myself, it'll be so much less painful.

Edit - oh the irony! That I can't manage syllables, when I'm bitching about grammar!

Need Coffee Now!

Sleep overcomes me
Waiting for coffee to cool
Please don't burn my tongue

I hate waiting for my coffee to cool! I don't need coffee in 15 minutes, I need it now! Hmm, i think I'm going to be tired in 15 minutes so I should go get coffee...that just doesn't work!

Boogers in Bathrooms

I stand, dick in hand.
Overshadowing relief,
booger wiped on wall!

Why on earth would you wipe a booger on the wall ANYWHERE! Especially somewhere someone will have to stand and gaze at it numerous times during the day! Theres toilet paper, paper towels, a trash can, a sink and a toilet within 6 feet of you. Be considerate! If you're really that lazy, there's a mere inches distance between your nose and your mouth, that's less repulsive than your current choice to place it.

Automatic flush,
please stop stealing the cover.
Needs calibration.

I'm not sure that haiku made much sense, but in my defense I'm awfully tired. Anyway - the toilets at the client site were the worst calibrated auto flushers ever... A trip to the bathroom usually involved having to dodge 4 or more flushes, while still trying to get a toilet seat cover down (boy did they need it) and not have it flushed away before you could sit on it. Acrobatics ensue.

My grumpiness - let me show you it

Oh, I'm sorry - by
3 days notice, I really
meant 2 days notice!

Even better than surprise travel - it's EXTRA surprise travel! Now I get to go Wednesday-Thursday! On the bright side, I get to spitefully kick their travel budget in the face since a flight the day before runs a lovely $700! Look at all those exclamation points, I must be so excited -_-

On suprise travel

You know what's not cool?
Three days notice for a trip.
Goodbye, this week's plans!

Have I mentioned how much I don't appreciate being told first thing Monday that I need to be in Miami on Thursday and Friday? Have I mentioned how much more I don't appreciate it when it's my Tester overhearing rumors and letting me know, rather than my PM bothering to tell me? And how I doubly don't appreciate it when I already have Big Plans for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday? Piss.

Sick on the weekends

Anticipating
adventurous weekend days,
to fall ill instead.

I had great intentions of having an awesome weekend outside only to awaken Saturday with a crappy cough and mild fever that lasted me tillI woke up monday morning...WTF!?! (there's your punctuation Lisa)

On Pronunciation

The words 'angst' and 'aunt'
Don't share vowel sounds with 'ought'
You pretentious twat.

The death of a loved one

My lunchbox handle
Has broken beyond repair.
I am oh so sad!

On Punctuation:
I assure you a single
mark does the job fine.

But three question marks
is a bit overzealous.
Not Necessary!?!

I don't think that a defect whose status has been erroneously set to "fixed" instead of "retest" does not necessitate multiple question marks (and the baffled implications that go hand in hand with them) when you IM me about it -_-

On wearing white

How does food DO that??
Is there special attraction
to pristine white skirts?

I swear to god, it doesn't matter how careful I am - if I'm wearing white I will get something non-white on it. This morning a drippy coffee lid was to blame; I couldn't even have prevented it ;_;

Mistyped, but not misspelled

Spellcheck is no good
When the word that I misspelled
Is another word

And why is it that I only catch those kind of substitution mistakes in emails to my co-workers the second after I hit the "send" button? Argh! At least they already know that I'm goofy from my tendency to take meeting notes in crayon and stuff.

On Gas (not flatulence)

Today's Headline Reads:
"Gas Breaks Record High (Again)."
This speaks for itself -_-

To Manipulative Employers

You scheduled my ride
to work hours on weekends
and then you asked me

My boss called me early this afternoon and asked me if I was heading into work to make some calls today. Which was my plan anyways. He told me to call Mike, my best friend and co-worker, to see about getting a ride in(my trucks in the shop). When I call Mike, he tells me our boss told him to pick me up on his way in to work.This is for my boss for assuming my mid afternoon wasn't already booked and making my life easier. K Thx!

The Woes of Telemarketing

Waiting for hello
This machine dials for me
Leave a message, BEEP!

Some days it seems that no one is ever home. School must be out today all over the country, because I've talked to more children than answering machines. Do parents not inform their kids to say their parent is in the shower, rather than informing me that they are home alone, anymore? 18 phone calls(on a dialer that only connects me when someone picks up) and I've talked to no one for more than 30 seconds. BAH!

When what you see is not what you get

Dammit all, Blogger!
Your Wysiwyg editor
sucks HUGE donkey balls.

When I highlight all,
saying "this font" and "this size"
please don't randomize!

Blogger has some serious issues with their text editor and copy pasting. I haven't yet managed to make a post on 3 Sweet Ounces that I didn't have to re-publish 4 times because this text field barfed all over copy pasted input. It's a really serious pain in my ass.

On lethargic data operations

Dear Apache Log,

Flowers bloom and die,
Dear server log. Rome could fall
While you try to parse.

... or save.. or open.. or zip.. all of which I need to do to you. I understand you're about 500mb of raw ascii, but it's not like we're mistreating you here. Core2 duo.. gig of ram.. you have all you could ever want. And yet you're slooooooow. It may perhaps be that because of your size, you assume you need to stretch out the time it takes you to do anything to emphasize the mystique contained within your texty depths. I assure you this is not the case. We will be just as interested in your contents whether it takes you five seconds to open, or five hours.

Just... just wake me when you're done.. ok?

my frostbite, let me show you it

Spring days in Texas:
Lovely weather outside, but
office is freezing.

A/C controlled by
coworkers who wear long sleeves.
They still say it's hot.

I wear sandals and
short sleeves. This means I use my
personal heater.

This is why business
casual is dumb. It wastes
electricity.

Oh what a tangled web we weave....

Phone cords, computer
wires - tangled, convoluted...
a mess on my desk ;_;

Curly Q phone cables are the worst invention ever. Having to plug and un-plug my laptop and its various accoutrements daily is also displeasing. And my coffee's leaking.

On Delusions

Not to be rude, but
Saying this report has changed?
You are a LIAR.

But thanks for wasting hours of JD's and his boss's time with your delusional fantasies. Won't you have egg on your face later this afternoon when you remember the extent to which you slowly. and. condescendingly. babytalked. to. the. product. developer. of. the. company. about the way your report used to work in a dream you had last year.

On the (further) decline of the gaming industry

What? Harvest Moon Cute?
How is it possible to
Make it MORE girly??

I get an email this morning with the weekly Nintendo DS news, and one of the featured games is the game above. Seriously. Harvest Moon CUTE – “because girls want farming, too!” WTF does that even MEAN? This is already a game predominantly played by girls – did you feel the need to make it particularly degrading or what?? Christ. Screw the gaming industry right in the face.

On the Lindy Hops

Body - why must you
thwart me? Dancing is so fun -
but it shouldn't hurt!

After going swing dancing last night, I am reminded how much I love it. However, one particular leg muscle didn't appreciate my Suzy Qs, and now I'm too broken to walk. Cryface!

On stage banter

Intriguing intro
To the next song in this set
It's at the end why?

One of the reasons live recordings are fun is because you can hear the artist's introduction to the song, which is neat. Perhaps they will tell you about an entertaining anecdote, or regale you with tales of past glories! Perhaps it will be an enigmatic blurb that leaves you wondering what song in the artist's vast arsenal could be coming next!

And yet... recordings always put these lead-ins at the end of the previous track. Presumably, so that when listening to an album you get music immediately when you flip to the track you want. Sadly, however, that means I rarely get to hear the next song! Now I'll never know! DAMN YOU ALBUM FORMAT!

On this recent rash of bad dreams

Eyelids feel heavy
Nightmares made last night's sleep crap
I can haz nap now?

On throwing balls at pins

Dear Muscles; bowling
should make my arm tired, right?
Why's my leg hurt, then??

Seriously - I bowled 6 games last night, so I was expecting to be kind of achy... but while my arm feels fine, my left hamstring is killing me o_O

On email scams

The subject of this
spam mail proclaims: Volksbanken
Raiffeisenbanken

Of course I'm peevy
about spam... but that's still a
damn awesome title.

my Netflix queue, let me show you it

My Netflix queue is
ever-expanding. Yet I
keep adding new things!

Perhaps all jobs should
offer vacation time for
film queue management.

On Diswasher Affordances

Dishwashers can be
a tricky beast: how to tell
when clean or dirty?

At home it's easy -
red means "dirty, don't use me!"
Doesn't that make sense?

But at work, red means
"Dishes are clean! don't put in
any more dirties!"

Confused and baffled!
A cutlery explosion!
Poor Lisa panics!!

On bathroom noise

Ladies' room. Maybe
It's different for men, but here,
CUT OUT THAT GRUNTING.

Seriously, I try to play nice in the womens' room. I'm a very considerate person when it comes to public restroom etiquette, from cleanliness/auditory/olfactory angles, and I expect others to extend similar courtesy. I don't want to LISTEN to the sound of you trying to poop, particularly if you're punctuating it with AUXILIARY noises coming from your THROAT. Really.

On Distraction

So preoccupied....
neglectfully unsweeten'd,
haiku trumps coffee.

As usual, too busy debating algorithms and composing haikus to remember to put cream and sugar in my coffee. That was an unpleasant first sip.

Elevators, it's always elevators.

Warm interior,
shiny silver doors spread wide:
elevator waits.

But when I enter,
floor chosen, you do not move?
You are slow! Go up!!

There's some little glitch in the elevator algorithm at work so that if the elevator is waiting for you on the bottom floor, doors open (aka, you don't have to push the button to call it) the doors won't automagically close when you choose a floor. Of course the "close" button does nothing either... you pretty much just have to wait until someone on a higher floor calls it.

On vocals in trance

Trance, I love you so!
But why the voice clips that sound
like yowling felines?

Trance sure is awesome. Especially vocal trance – you know, with actual lyrics and verses and refrain. But you know what’s NOT awesome? Vocal trance that just includes little snippets of random female voices making “eeyoo” noises or what not. Jesus it drives me nuts. A prime example of this is Andy Moor - Halcyon which literally sounds like cats meowing.

More Google Griping II

A feed is feed,
Unless said feed is a friend's.
Those you cannot sort.


Google reader again. They made it automagically pick up when people in my GMail address book start using Reader, which is dandy. But the Shared Feeds so created don't go into the usual list. They go into another, special list, that displays in a totally different spot on the page. And you can't *move* them to a folder like you can with every other feed. Oh no. You can only "hide" them. But I want to read the items... I just want to read the items *in the right fucking place*.

The solution? Write an email to your friend asking them for a link to their shared items. Go ahead and include instructions, because there isn't any easy fucking way to get this information and it primarily involves a unique 20-odd digit number that only God and Google know. Once the friend figures out how to do it and responds to you, manually add their Shared Feed to your reader. Then move it to the right folder. Then Hide the original feed that was added automatically.

Sound like too much work to you? You're damn right it is.

On Fruit as Evidence of a Higher Power

I hear: bananas
are proof of God's existence -
shape, size, delicious!

Then, please tell me why
it's so goddamn difficult
to start the peeling?

Blech. Nothing as yucky as banana-tops pureed by stems that refuse to peel.

On the Decline of the Gaming Industry

Puzzle games - delight!
But these days it seems they're all
just another clone.

Nintendo bugged me with their weekly news letter today, linking to this game. I was at least mildly interested, the puzzle-gaming-whore that I am, until I started looking at screenshots and realized it was just a bottom-up puyo-pop/dr. robotnic's bean machine. Sigh, I say!

On girl-shoes

Have I bitched about
this before? It's possible:
my brain's like a sieve.

Oh, well: Women's Shoes...
I try you on in the store
and you're so comfy!

Then when worn to work
you make my tootsies cry out,
"Blisters: do not want!"

Tech Support

Lexmark Tech Support
just stole three hours of my life
just to prove me right.

I had a network printer, that wouldn't print over the network. Worked fine on the USB port, but not the network port. You think that'd be easy to diagnose, right? So they spent three hours of my life (I had to be on the phone with them) doing stupid stuff like updating drivers, changing cables, and various other wastes. What did we determine in the end? I was right. Thank you, drive thru.

On the taskbar

Laughing, XP mocks.
As habitually I try
Drag-Dropping items

Maybe I've been using a tabbed browser too long, but I (and my pod-mates agree) would like the ability to move taskbar items around in windows. This seems like a simple enough thing, and I'm sure there's a crazy hack somewhere that lets me. But also I am lazy.

Ah, the beauty of documentation.... in 3 seperate places

Could we please all learn
Designs are only useful
When we can find them?

Mt Rushmore, here I come

Driving cross-country:
Fun for the first couple days
Then: South Dakota.

Coffee - Forcibly Black

big clumps of sugar,
cruelly blocking the pour-spout...
can't make coffee sweet.

It drives me nuts when huge sugar chunks keep the sugar from pouring out of those sugar jars they have and diners and starbucks and coffee stations. I have no conception of how sweet or bitter my drink is when i can't get a steady pour!

On Dumb TV

Reality shows -
I hate you SO much! So why
can't I look away?

Stupid TV. Stupid reality shows. Stupid Lisas being drawn in and staring transfixed at the screen while drooling copiously. I blame this on Mad Mad World, an old Sci-fi reality show that was basically "put a bunch of Normals in with a bunch of Alternate Lifestyle people and see what happens." It got me marginally amenable to the idea of reality TV and now I occasionally find myself unable to say no. Guh.

On Load Balancing

Six elevators
Serving only 14 floors.
Short waits would be nice.

The elevator algorithm in the building here at work is nothing even -slightly- approaching efficient. I won't even start on how often the "floor beeps" get confused, or how often I hear the elevator whizzing by when I've been waiting forever. With such a high elevator-to-floor ration, I should NOT be having to wait 5 minutes. Srsly.

On Days of the Week

Why call it hump day?
The median of the week -
must in sound vulgar?

Just a grump, I guess;
unjustified linguistic
blackboard fingernails.

Something about calling Wednesday "hump day" just... rubs me wrong. Makes me go "Yick! WTF!?" Go figure. On the other hand, going to label this post and seeing "space sheep" in the list of labels: high-larious!

On lawsuits

Screw litigations!
I'm tired of things ruining
Hobbit production ;_;

On Air Plane Food

Delta, you cockbites!
Bad enough not to serve meals,
but charging for snacks??

Remember when airlines used to provide meals on flights over 4 hours? Yeah, that was nice. Historically my Seattle flight always provided a nice little snack pack... tasty cheese spread, some biscotti, peanuts and a banana. Not worth calling a "meal" but certainly enough to last the flight. Imagine my surprise when I got on the plane this time and was informed that this was a "food for purchase" flight where you could buy "sandwiches for $8, salads for $9, or an assortment of snacks."

Maybe if I pour
Coffee onto my face I'll
Regain sensation

It's 19F outside, but the windchill makes it feel as though it's -482F.

"Well" is not what you would call the boding of this code.

For the love of god,
don't check in your broken code,
thus screwing my team.

Bad move number one: checking in code that references a database table that doesn't exist. Bad move number two: adding a change that significant during product test. Bad move number 3: when I call to tell you about it saying "oh yeah, we've been trying to fix that... [captain subtext: I didn't think you'd notice that huge breaking issue]"

You are SO fired
from the Lisa Book of Trust.
Time to suck dick now.

Insomniac brain
Likes to play Show and Tell with
Painful memories


When it's 4am and I have to get up for work in three more hours, is that really the time to think about how in the second grade I made a little girl cry by throwing sand in her hair?

Polling Locations

Youth, go rock the vote!
Politics are young and fresh
At the nursing home.

I have my primary location. It's the Windy Hill Senior Center. On the one hand, it seems logical and pragmatic to engage retired people in a one-time Tuesday-morning civic duty. On the other hand, I wish people under the age of 40 had more opportunity/encouragement to take ownership of politics, and having a primary at a Senior Center seems to capture exactly what isn't quite right here.

(Click that link. Find your polling location. Vote.)

Pitiful

You know a day's bad
when I've dropped 20 dollars
on comfort coffee.

Blame-shifting is the new paradigm-shifting

You never called me.
Then you called my boss and said,
"She won't return calls!"

Yeah, cover your ass.
Pretend that you tried. We're now
Opposites of friends.

Here's a friendly Corporate America tip: don't tell bold-faced lies to the superiors of people with whom you have to work. You garner yourself no favors with me by sending my boss an e-mail with the phrase "she's not returning my messages," especially after I've combed back through two weeks' worth of correspondence to confirm that you never contacted me.

Trials of the Great White North

I awake at six
Outside temp? Minus forty
Fire alarm rings.

Heat is not working
Canada is unfit for
civilization.

It's frickin freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.

Air conditioner,
It is still January.
Why are you on now?

Seriously, this desk under the air vent was awesome in August, when I was hugely pregnant. Not so much now.

My hair metal, let me show you it

Last.fm: Your songs
make me happy at work. Yay
80's radio!

But wait, what is this?
Songs play that I've skipped before!
NO MORE LOVERBOY.

In which the canine reiterates a city rule for the bazillionth time

Washingtonians:
I'm trying to catch a train.
You WALK left, stand RIGHT.

Everybody in DC should know this. If you're going to set foot on the metro, escalator etiquette is a simple, observable phenomenon that it behooves everyone to pick up. No one is exempt!

On Construction

"We'll improve traffic!"
Promised with malicious smiles.
Goodbye, 14th Street ;_;

This one will make the most sense to Atlanta natives - let's just say the DoT is out to make our lives miserable until 2010: http://www.14thstreetbridge.com/

Traffic is going to be SO hellacious for the next 2 years *sigh*

On blank subject lines

Emailers take fright:
when your words lack a subject -
killing rage incite >_<

Office 2007

Hey office Oh Seven?
How many times must I say
DO NOT SHOW ME THIS?

No really. If I
Press CTRL-C twice... EVEN THEN
I do not want it

Yeah, that's right. The fucking "Copy Panel" or whatever the fuck they call it. Has anyone ever given two shits about the last 15 things they copied? Really? Do they care enough that even after explicitly turning it off by clicking "Do not show", "Do not copy behind the scenes", and "Do not make it appear if I press CTRL-C twice" that they still mysteriously want it to show up if I press CTRL-C twice? And if they, in a spirit of spitefulness turn off that option AGAIN, do you think they want it to do THE SAME FUCKING THING THE NEXT TIME THEY OPEN THE PROGRAM?

Do you think that, Office 2007? Do you really think that? Because I really really mean it. I don't care about this feature. I don't want to see it. EVER. Do I need to agree to some more Terms of Service before you'll believe me? Because I will. Just make this damn thing go away!

On left-turn arrows and interference

Oh, Pedestrian
Is right-of-way really so
hard to understand?

Luminous red light
should stop your exodus - please
don't block left turners!

More Google Griping

A keyboard shorcut:
'S' to share, how nice! And yet...
's' to star? The Fuck?

To those of you who subscribe to my shares... sorry about the 20 or 30 items that just appeared, many of them quite old. That would be because my habit of just hitting the S key to share an item only works if I'm also holding the fucking SHIFT key. It'd be one thing if there was any indication of what keyboard shortcuts do what, such as underling letters, but there isn't. Or! If the first letter in the phrase did the thing! Like Add Star and Share Item... but again, no. It's s and S. Obviously.

In which the canine has to shoulder past somebody who smells like gallons of perfume

Elevator peeve:
I know you want to board it
Let me get out first

In which the canine laments about one-lane parkways

The sign says twenty
But nobody drives that slow
Get with it, grandma

Standards, or a lack thereof

Inform reception
should standards not be up to
your expectations.

So reads a little sign in each of the bathroom stalls here. I had to tweak it into haiku form, but the operative words are the same - "standards up to expectations." I think the word they're looking for is "conditions" rather than "standards" unless they want to imply that any time the bathroom gets a little disheveled, they have no standards.

Connotations are
important when writing signs.
Grammar standards, please!

On Managerial Ineptitude

technically inept
clients should not be confused
with out of date docs.

managers who give
clients the wrong doc versions:
velociraptor.

Google Reader

Google Reader? Thrill!
But wait, why cannot I post
Links not RSS'd?

And while on the thought,
Comment system wouldn't suck
Nor would LJ streams. :P

Yup, I love google reader. I think the sharing system is freaking brilliant, I just wish they'd do more to make it a tiny little ad-hoc community of people I like (as opposed to tiny little ad-hoc communities of Internet People), rather than a simple RSS re-feeding application. :)

Post the First - In which I start this blog off on exactly the wrong foot.

You know what's real fun?
Using Haiku to express
Displeasure at life!

By all rights my first post to this blog should involve ranting about something that ticks me off, or rubs me the wrong way - the little things in life that just aren't quite right. After all, that's the theme of 575 Pet Peeves, as the title implies. But what does the 575 mean? Well, an astute reader might realize that 5-7-5 is the format for haikus! Because what could be even more fun that ranting? Ranting in haiku format!

Did that sound rehearsed? Yeah, I think that sounded rehearsed. That's what I get for dithering over this blog format so much.

Anyway, I'm feeling contrariwise today, so instead of bitching about blogs that wander all over the map, I'm going to say how much I love blogs with a precise purpose. Sci-fi blogs should be about science fiction. Gaming blogs should be about video games. Customer service blogs should be about obnoxious service desk stories from Walmart. I've found that keeping my book ramblings confined to 7 Foot Shelves and my piano ramblings posted to 6 Inch Keys has been a refreshing lesson in de-cluttering my personal journal, while allowing people to read or contribute to the themes that interest them.

In light of that, I'm starting Focus Blog Number 3 - dedicated to all the little things in life that bug you. This isn't a blog for waxing poetic about your hideous co-workers, but it is a place where you could rant poetically (in brief) about bad usage of loop control variables. Or the sound of slurping soup. Or (just maybe, if you're me) the frustration of bad elevator algorithms. It doesn't have to be deep, and it doesn't have to be technical, but it does have to rub you the wrong way.

I'm not starting this blog as a place to get yourself worked into a righteous rage, but rather a place to vent about the annoyances so they don't rattle around in your brain or clutter up your other journals. Expressing these things in haiku is fun and a way to lighten the load. You might notice that I'm saying "your" rather a lot - that's because I want to have lots of contributors to this particular blog. I think a good pet peeve listing can benefit from different opinions and stirring rivalries. After all, I don't want this to degrade into a self-fellating bitchfest.

So if you want to be a contributor, speak now! I'll send you an invite, as well as a note on format. C'mon, you know you want a place to be scathing and sarcastic about all the little things.