Thursday, June 26, 2008

On Passive-Aggressive Communication

"We might want to try..."
You mean, "You try, then tell me."
Ditch that awkward shit!

This has been the e-mail conversation I've been having over the last two days.

Project manager: I think I found a bug.
Developer: We might want to document that.
Support: You mean, "I think support should document that," right?
Developer: Yeah, thanks.
Project manager: We might want to test it against another scenario, too.
Support: You mean, "I think support should test it against another scenario," right?
Project manager: You got it.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

On the slowness of banks

Credit charge, appear!
I've waited patiently for
many hours now!

After yesterday's gas fiasco, I've been checking my account constantly to see if we got ripped off by the gas station... but the damn charge STILL hasn't come through. Rawr!

On a happier note - this is the 100th post for this blog, which is impressive given it's age. Keep up the good peeving, people!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


Automatic means
Doing without being told
"Stop pumping when full"

Fucking gas pump, spewing gasoline all over the car and ground while I get coffee. It was way too early in the morning for that bullshit!

Plus, I could have used those 4 or 5 spare gallons next week.

Press the button!

A feeble attempt
To pry elevator doors.
Press "DOOR OPEN," dunce!

Whenever I'm the first one in the elevator, I press and hold the "DOOR OPEN" button. That way, when someone inevitably turns the corner and quickens their pace upon sight of an open elevator--the universal indicator of their desire to board said elevator--I don't have to risk personal injury from thrusting a free limb into the closing jaws. Then, once everyone has safely boarded or there's no more room, I press "DOOR CLOSE."

I think some people just press the "CLOSE" button whenever they see anyone else coming, just out of spite.

Thursday, June 19, 2008


Your Integrity
As a newsman is in doubt.
Always with the puns!

Seriously, I'm beginning to think that copy-editors, headline writers, and newsmen in general have a social disease that compels them to think that godawful news puns are clever, witty, or interesting. I wouldn't mind so much from, like, Fox News or something, but when otherwise respectable reporters sign off on a story about, say, peanut butter with "...and that's something that really sticks to the roof of Mr. Johnson's mouth" it makes me want to scream. They are completely contrived, bloody horrible, and an assault on the listening public.

And the worst thing is that it's like they can't help themselves! If someone is doing a story on basketball, there's GOING to be a pun about three pointers or double dribbling or some shit thrown in there. Every. Fucking. Time. Do they think I won't listen if they aren't "clever"? Do they honestly think their Laffy-Taffy-esque jokes are amusing to anybody? My theory is that they think we, the public, are retarded. I don't blame them... I've felt that way about every customer group I've ever had. Still, you'd think they'd stop if only to save themselves the utter, crushing, embarrasment.

Monday, June 16, 2008

"Through the prairie-less fight"

You should know the words
If you are asked to sing the
National Anthem

...especially if it's for a company-wide awards ceremony.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

My loathing for you, let me show you it

Lady, we asked you
to move one seat over, not
give us your first-born.

At least your date is
nice enough to move. Maybe
you can learn from him.

Friday, June 6, 2008

On bathroom stalls

If I'm in stall 1,
Why'd you choose 2, and not 3?
Urinal rules, bitch!

Seriously. If you have the option of leaving a gap instead of not leaving a gap, leave a fucking gap. I don't want you to poop 36 inches from me unless it's absolutely necessary. It's not rocket science and guys figured it out a long time ago.

I feel like all of my haikus are related to public restroom etiquette. But c'mon: ladies, please.

On rude baristas

"A tall mocha, please!"
"Uh, The sizes we have are:
smaaaall, medium, laaaarge."

From Caribou Coffee last night... I don't think the transcribed text of this conversation really does justice to the absolute smug rudeness with which it was delivered. The woman was seriously nasty about what basically equates to a slip of habit. What I should have said was "Well, if you're going to be rude about it, I'll just go somewhere that doesn't mind how I order my coffee! *grin*" instead I was so baffled at her nasty tone that I just kind of blinked and handed her my money.


Wednesday, June 4, 2008

On web sites

Your web site was great!
Find any song from a set
In two seconds flat.

Now, a redesign:
shitty format, no searching.
I cry for the lack.

Stupid Armin Van Buuren. He redid his site in the last couple of weeks, and now instead of being able to search for any keyword, track name, or artist and be immediately presented with all of the sets that match (out of his 350-odd A State of Trance episodes) you can only view the track list for the last 4 sets. WTF?

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

On Grammatical Structures

Two words: "Also," "Too."
Sometimes interchangeable,
other times - less so.

Examples of when it's ok to swap these words:
-"She was annoyed, too" == "She was annoyed, also"
-"We, too, dislike awkward sentences" == "We, also, dislike awkward sentences" (not to be confused with "We also dislike awkward sentences," where the also implies other things are disliked in addition to the sentences, rather than implying that multiple groups of people dislike the awkward sentences)

Examples of when it's weird to do the switcheroo:
-"And also, remember that it pisses me off" != "And too, remember that it pisses me off" ...I hear people say this or see it typed all the time. It just doesn't work! Rawr!
-"We also dislike kittens and puppies and candy canes" != "We too dislike kittens and puppies and candy canes." Obviously I don't see the one as often, but it clarifies case two from the previous section.

Right. Shutting up.

Monday, June 2, 2008

On Trance Remixes

Trance artists, take note:
speeding a song up does not
count as a remix.

Pfft. I was so excited when my weekly Trance Around the World radio show said that there would be an awesome new remix of Karen Overton's Your Loving Arms. Whatever, dudes.

On purchasing power

Corporate phone plan -
PLEASE can I buy a new phone?
Why do you thwart me?

I suffered a phone casualty last week while kayaking when my dry-case leaked. This weekend I tried to go buy a replacement... only to discover that because I'm on my corporate phone plan, I'm no longer a signature authority on my account. This means that I'm not allowed to just buy a new phone - I have to go through the company procurement process! Now I get to wait a whole 'nother week to get my replacement phone! Joy!