On airport sinks

Flail, flail, flail... give up
Move down. Flail, wave, splash. Wettish.
Soap and towels? HAH.


For months I went to the airport every week to pick Lisa up from New York, and during that time my struggle with the bathroom sinks went from "annoying" to "full on rage". Never once did the first (of, admittedly, like 30) sink I tried work. Once I finally found one whose motion controls functioned to some limited degree, I'd then have to go through the same ritual for soap. Then the sink dance again (a couple times really, since you only get 1 second of water per 20 seconds of flapping your hand around like an epileptic hand model) and then, finally, the long walk to the towel dispensers (also motion activated!) which, blessedly, are reasonably simple to get functioning.

But seriously, what possible advantage does this setup grant the airport? Expensive motion sensors on every faucet and soap dispenser in the whole airport and in return they get more people who probably don't bother washing their hands because it's a fucking hassle and that means even more sick people in a place already awash (ha!) with them. I want those metal timer push-button faucet dealies back dammit.

OF ALL THE UNHOLY DISCOURTESIES WHILE I WAS TRYING TO PEE AND THEN WASH MY HANDS

BITCH, IF YOU EVER
HAIR-SPRAY ME IN THE BATHROOM
AGAIN, I'LL KILL YOU

On bathroom stalls

If I'm in stall 1,
Why'd you choose 2, and not 3?
Urinal rules, bitch!

Seriously. If you have the option of leaving a gap instead of not leaving a gap, leave a fucking gap. I don't want you to poop 36 inches from me unless it's absolutely necessary. It's not rocket science and guys figured it out a long time ago.

I feel like all of my haikus are related to public restroom etiquette. But c'mon: ladies, please.

Automatic flush,
please stop stealing the cover.
Needs calibration.

I'm not sure that haiku made much sense, but in my defense I'm awfully tired. Anyway - the toilets at the client site were the worst calibrated auto flushers ever... A trip to the bathroom usually involved having to dodge 4 or more flushes, while still trying to get a toilet seat cover down (boy did they need it) and not have it flushed away before you could sit on it. Acrobatics ensue.

On bathroom noise

Ladies' room. Maybe
It's different for men, but here,
CUT OUT THAT GRUNTING.

Seriously, I try to play nice in the womens' room. I'm a very considerate person when it comes to public restroom etiquette, from cleanliness/auditory/olfactory angles, and I expect others to extend similar courtesy. I don't want to LISTEN to the sound of you trying to poop, particularly if you're punctuating it with AUXILIARY noises coming from your THROAT. Really.

Standards, or a lack thereof

Inform reception
should standards not be up to
your expectations.

So reads a little sign in each of the bathroom stalls here. I had to tweak it into haiku form, but the operative words are the same - "standards up to expectations." I think the word they're looking for is "conditions" rather than "standards" unless they want to imply that any time the bathroom gets a little disheveled, they have no standards.

Connotations are
important when writing signs.
Grammar standards, please!