Friday, December 17, 2010

On forcing things forward

Making decisions
that involve other people
is frought with peril.

Even when I think
I have them all figured out,
they throw a curve ball.

Sudden awkwardness,
an unexpected response,
leaves us both confused.

And so, lesson learned:
Don't try to force things forward.
Just let it happen.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

On Furious Fowl

Parabolic path,
swerving off before impact.
Toucans are the worst.

Monday, December 13, 2010

On being distracted by cold hard cash

Fuck you, ATM!
You made me insert my card,
and I forgot it.

You know what they say,
"Out of sight and out of mind."
So it's all your fault.

Seriously, why do they still make those ATMs that suck in your card anymore? The swiping kind seem much more simple and don't risk people leaving their cards behind.

Monday, November 22, 2010

On Home Ownership

Dread sewage pipes break,
clog. Evil Birds. Ants. AC.
Is that mold? Let's rent.

On returning to the office

Oh dear vacation
That halcyon time of yore
Now I start Outlook

Monday, November 1, 2010

Sometimes, my fellow Christians embarass me to the point of rage.

A sin on Sunday,
Is a sin the whole week long.
crazy hypocrites.

Christians are dumb;
Why would you move Halloween?
just leave it alone!

I have a mountain
Of candy, worth a fortune.
and no-one to feed.

My poor coworkers:
I bring sweets. Anyone have
some spare insulin?

So apparently they claimed it was for safety (as if pedophiles aren't allowed to come outside on Saturday or something?) but my crazy paper (Dear Macon Telegraph: fuck you) pushed everyone to trick-or-treat yesterday while I was in Atlanta.

So now I've got a fuck-ton of candy that is coming to work with me tomorrow.


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

On Operating System Features, New

New Android features,
often great! Muted ringtones
Surprise! I. . .wait, wat?

I've been sitting here for the past half hour waiting on a call from a Software Manager to arrange a meetup and look over some test results.

I turned the ringer up to max volume and plugged my Droid into my laptop so I could use PDAnet, because tethering is awesome. However, apparently there's a feature where my phone mutes the ringer while it's plugged in? I'm not sure why.

Cue missed phone call and voicemail from a phone six inches from my hand. Cue sad Patrick.

On late nights and long days

Staying out all night
partying like a rock star
makes a happy James.

But work the next day,
fighting just to stay awake
is no fun at all.

Still, I can't resist
the lure of good times with friends.
I'll sleep when I'm dead.

On futher coffe incidents

The sugar packets
raining down, fall from the shelf.
Klutziness prevails.

"Miss the cup!" I cry,
but alas coffee splashes -
goodbye, sweet nectar!

Pants splatter pattern?
That's insult to injury -
sugarless and stained.

(I hate the mornings when the coffee fights back.)

Friday, August 13, 2010

On my poor, goofy dog

Fat, sassy chipmunks
hanging out in my garden
make Steinway crazy.

He bounces and huffs -
Dash! Go get the fluffy fiend!
....wrong direction, boy.

My dog - he is cute,
but not so smart. He will just
lick them anyway.

(Steinway has chased the chipmunks about eleventy-zillion times. He has cornered one exactly once, and when he did he just stood there wagging his tail and grinning about it, debating whether he could tongue-bath it).

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

On desperately needing to buy groceries

Cream, creamer, irish:
Not one coffee enhancer
to brighten my morn.

Bereft of Butter,
olive oil is MIA,
cooking travesty.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

On disappearing data

Come back, review draft!
I am a slack updater
without failing tech.

I went to post a book review that I wrote a couple of weeks ago, and it has disappeared without a trace. Guess that's what I use for using outlook to draft reviews. Cryface ;_;

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

On admitting I have a problem

iPhone addiction
I must overcome. Oh, wait
There's an App for that.

Confession: I didn't come up with this one, but it definitely applies to me.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

On Pining for Real Cream

Non-dairy creamer;
Powder’d heathen substitute
Why taste you so bad?

Coffee profaneth;
Shopping negligence punished -
You make me so sad.

Monday, March 8, 2010

On you sick fuckers

Confined to my bed
Wallowing in self-pity
Won't share drinks again.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

On Poor Publication Practices

Publishers should not
Deceive unwitting readers.
Number your series!

This weekend I started a book that turned out to be second in a series. Nowhere on the book did it say “book two” or “sequel.” I’ve noticed this trend a lot lately (ex: “A Harry Dresden Novel” instead of “Book 4 of Harry Dresden”). There aren’t words for how annoyed this makes me. Rawr!

Friday, February 5, 2010

On Cheap Furniture

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
My back really hurts today
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Mart of Darkness

Clothes shopping trials.
Hours spent in vain to fit
Awkward proportions.

My only options:
Have Three-quarter length sleeves or
Voluminous cloth.

Last night I bounced between countless outlets, malls, shops, over the course of about four hours trying to find a coat. One that would fit. And would be in my size. I did not believe at the outset that it would be the tribulation that was soon upon me. At the very end of the night, however, I finally happened upon one that I liked and also fit. Sometimes it sucks to be a skinny, long limbed, boy.

(Open Item: Why does the 38 have shorter sleeves than the 36?? It makes no sense.)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

On airport sinks

Flail, flail, flail... give up
Move down. Flail, wave, splash. Wettish.
Soap and towels? HAH.

For months I went to the airport every week to pick Lisa up from New York, and during that time my struggle with the bathroom sinks went from "annoying" to "full on rage". Never once did the first (of, admittedly, like 30) sink I tried work. Once I finally found one whose motion controls functioned to some limited degree, I'd then have to go through the same ritual for soap. Then the sink dance again (a couple times really, since you only get 1 second of water per 20 seconds of flapping your hand around like an epileptic hand model) and then, finally, the long walk to the towel dispensers (also motion activated!) which, blessedly, are reasonably simple to get functioning.

But seriously, what possible advantage does this setup grant the airport? Expensive motion sensors on every faucet and soap dispenser in the whole airport and in return they get more people who probably don't bother washing their hands because it's a fucking hassle and that means even more sick people in a place already awash (ha!) with them. I want those metal timer push-button faucet dealies back dammit.

On Medical Woes

I just remembered I have both been writing complaint haikus lately AND am a member of a site that is a repository for complaint haikus. Fancy the coincidence! A chain from about a month ago...

So sick and in pain
All the time. At least I am
Healthy on paper.

Tests, cultures, blood work;
All negative, counts normal,
So why feel like death?

Bucket of meds, though,
Throw pills at it til it's fixed.
That should prob'ly work!